Bad Relationship Advice From Padfoot and Prongs
by Hufflepuff Chaser
Summary: What happens when Sirius gives Harry advice on winning over Ginny? Set in winter of sixth year, Ginny isn't dating Dean. Sirius isn't dead. Humour/Romance. Please read and review. Enjoy! -Molly
1. Chapter 1

Don't Take Relationship Advice from Padfoot and Prongs!

A/N: Hello folks! I'm back! OK, so this takes place in Harry's sixth year during Christmas, Dean and Ginny aren't dating and Sirius didn't die. This is probably as far as I'll get to non-canon, don't Avada me! ;)

So, on to the story?

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter series or franchise, I'm just playing around a bit.

I want to dedicate this to Magnolia Mellark and MasakoDaenarys for being supermegafoxyawesomehot! ;) (You should check out their profiles when you're done here! :) You can find them in my favourites.)

Chapter One: Padfoot and Prongs Wrote a Book?!

Harry descended the stairs of the Burrow, and headed into the den where he was sure Ron was waiting. But as Harry passed through the door he saw not Ron, but Sirius Black.

"Sirius! You're early!" Harry exclaimed, rushing over to hug his godfather.

"Well of course! I wanted to see my favourite Godson, it's been too long! Come sit down with me, we can have a chat." Sirius sat down on the patchwork couch, patting the cushion beside him.

"Alright!" Harry accepted his godfather's request and they began to talk.

"What kind of mischief have you been up to, Little Prongs?" Sirius asked, with the same glint of trouble that always lurked in his eyes.

Harry laughed, "I don't go looking for trouble!"

"Sure, sure! Say whatever you want, but I know you take after your dear old Godfather!" Sirius told him, "Any ladies?"

Harry blushed, and looked down at the carpet, he had never taken the time to look at how the pattern swirled so intricately...

"That's what I thought! There is! Who may I ask is this lucky lass?" Sirius smirked, watching as his godson writhed under the accusation.

Harry struggled to form a word that would be a suitable response to the older man's taunt, the only noise that came out was, "heugh"

"She sounds like a charmer!" Sirius was getting a kick out of his godson's embarrassment. "Seriously though, who is she?"

Harry whispered an answer, so low that Sirius couldn't even make out what the initial sound was.

"Try that again, just a little louder.." Sirius probed.

"Its Ginny.. I fancy her..." Harry's face was more red than the scarlet Weasley jumper that he sported.

"So I thought. Very well, I suppose you need some tricks on wooing her then? Well you've come to the right place! I've got the book in here somewhere.." Sirius began to dig deeper into his bag. "Aha! Here it is! Padfoot and Prong's Guide to Winning Women!" Sirius read from the front

Sirius handed Harry the heavy book. The back read:

_"Having trouble catching the girl you love? Want to become the smoothest wizard of your age? Want to learn how to woo every girl in Hogwarts? You've picked up the right book! In here we'll give you the tips and tricks of catching your witch's heart like a snitch."_

"Umm.. Sirius? I didn't even know you could write. How did you manage a whole book?" Harry asked.

"That's mean! I can write! And it's a very good, very educational book! I'm sure it'll help you. I'm sorry Harry, I have to go, but I promised Molly I would be here tomorrow for her famous extended-family-Christmas-Dinner, so I'll see you then!" Sirius stood up and hugged Harry again, Harry handed the book back to Sirius who refused it, "Oh no! You keep that! you'll need it! Do lots of reading! There might be a quiz tomorrow!"

With one last wave, Sirius was gone. Harry picked the book up and trudged up to Ron's attic room where he would start reading the book his father and godfather once wrote.

Harry plopped down on Ron's bed and opened the book...

_Chapter One_

_Introduction_

_ Hello there! You must be a wizard who doesn't know how to make his crush love him! If you aren't, then go away! This is a sirius self-help book! In this book we will go over a few key things, how to get her; keep her; then of course ditch her. Hopefully the last step won't be necessary but we threw it in just in case. Without further ado...The first real chapter, which is the second chapter really, but because this was an introduction, the next chapter is the first chapter of self-help._

_Chapter Two_

_How To Get Her_

_ We have two different approaches we find effective:_

_ 1) Jealousy_

_ 2) Chat-up Lines _

_ Lets start with number one. If there are a few women who you fancy we suggest the jealousy approach. This way, you can make all the women jealous then the first to get to you is the one you get! Simple enough! Lets learn how!_

_ Find a girl who you can date for a while, the girl(s) you like will become jealous that you are with said girl and they will realise just how tantalising you are. After you have noticed that the girl(s) you like, now like you too, you can ditch the fake girlfriend (see our chapter on getting rid of them). Easy as buttering toast!_

_ Now, the second approach. Chat-up lines. You're anywhere, the Three Broomsticks, the Common Room, etc. and there is a rather delightful young women who you want to get together with. You just use one of Padfoot and Prongs' many chat-up lines and she is automatically attracted to you._

_ Here's our famous list:_

_- What colour of eyes do you reckon our children will have?_

_- If I controlled the alphabet I'd put "U" and "I" together._

_- Is that a ladder in your tights or is it the stairway to heaven?_

_- If you'll be my snitch, I'll catch you every time._

_- You should join my Quidditch team, you look like a keeper._

_- Being without you is worse than being under the Cruciatus Curse._

_- If you were a dementor I'd become a criminal just to get your kiss._

_- I may be a [insert house here] but can I slytherin tonight?_

_- Call me Olivander because I've got the perfect wand for you._

_- Wanna take a ride on my [enter broom brand here]?_

_- It's not just the shack that's going to be shrieking tonight.._

_- I'd like to brew something in your cauldron._

_- Do you have the Marauders' Map? Because I'm getting lost in your eyes._

_- On a scale from 1-10 you're a 9 and I'm the 1 you need._

_- We have to go see Madame Pince because I'm checking you out!_

_ Pick and choose my friend, each one is as efficient as the next. We hope that you get a chance to use them and that they're as helpful to you as they were to us! _

Harry put the book down and rolled his eyes. He didn't think that saying any of that would "woo" Ginny. He knew his godfather was just trying to be helpful, and maybe those things worked for him but Harry was sceptic.

Well, he figured he didn't HAVE to use them, tomorrow he would return the book and thank Sirius. He would have to think of another way to get Ginny to fall madly in love with him...

A/N2: There you are, the first chapter of my second attempted multi-chapter!  
The next chapter is almost finished, I just need to edit it a few more times then it'll be up in seven days!  
I can't decide if I'm going to have two or three chapters. I think I'm just going to have two and then maybe a Ron/Hermione sequel... We'll see...  
Please tell me what you think of the story and of a Romione sequel, by reviewing! :)  
xoxo  
Molly


	2. Chapter 2

Don't Take Relationship Advice from Padfoot and Prongs!

A/N: Whoop! Chapter two is up! I hope you guys like this! Read my author's note at the end to learn about my upcoming projects and more! :)

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter franchise, J. does. :)

PS: I'd like to dedicate this to all my amazing friends, whom I love so, so much! Hello there Harley, Maggie, Tinkerbell, and A! You know who you are, I love you so much! xx  
-

Chapter Two: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Harry had a hard time falling asleep that night, it was Christmas Eve, after all.

When he finally drifted off to sleep he had a most delightful dream, he and Ginny were alone at the Quidditch pitch. She was racing past him, her beautiful auburn hair gleaming in the sunlight. They were both chasing down a snitch, racing, trying to be the first. Harry nearly had it in his hand until Ginny flew into him. They tumbled to the ground. When Harry turned to see if Ginny was alright he was inches away from her freckled face. He could feel her breath on his nose, a piece of her dazzling hair had escaped her ponytail. He longed to reach out and brush it from her beautiful eyes. But what stunned him the most was her lips. They looked smoother than satin. And for once he let his instincts guide him. The next thing he knew he was kissing Ginny, the snitch lay forgotten on the grass.

Harry woke with a start as Ron threw a pillow at Harry's head, signalling that it was time to wake up. He wished that he could fall back asleep and stay in that dream forever.

Harry grabbed his overcoat and followed Ron down the stairs and into the family room, where the rest of the Weasleys (bar Percy) were already seated and waiting to open presents.

Harry received a copy of _Quidditch_ _Through The Ages _from Hermione, and a package of practise snitches from Ron. As well as the yearly Weasley sweater from Mrs Weasley and some prank supplies from the twins. Ginny gave him a new Gryffindor scarf and some treats for Hedwig.

After the group had dispersed Harry decided to take a walk in the snowy back garden. He was drowning in thoughts about saving the world and other teenage woes. He walked with his head down looking at the snow covered ground.

He turned around to head back to the Burrow for a cup of hot chocolate and a game of wizard's chess with Ron. But as he turned he ran into someone. The two fell to the powdery snow together, toppling onto each other. Harry looked over and saw that he had bumped into Ginny of all people.

Harry jumped up and pulled her up with him. He didn't know what to say. He just looked at her like a deer caught in the headlights. He knew that he needed to come up with something to say to her, but he couldn't think of anything to say. And without thinking he blurted out the first thing that came into his head, "You should join my Quidditch team, 'cuz you look like a keeper." Harry couldn't believe what he just said to Ginny, his long-time crush. He had just used an extremely cheesy, tasteless chat-up line on her. He figured that his chances with her were about none and that he should just disappear off the face of the planet when he heard the tinkling laugh that he loved so much.

Instead of thinking he was dumber than Crabbe, Ginny had found his line rather humourous, and was quite flattered, "Well thank you Harry. How sweet, although I am, as you know, a chaser."

Harry was shocked that she wasn't running away from his as fast as she could, just looked at her and smiled.

Suddenly he realised that they were slowly leaning forward, closer together. And before he knew it, he was kissing her.

It was even more amazing than it was in his dream, kissing Ginny was the most magical thing he had ever experienced. More than the first time he held his wand, the first time he saw Hogwarts and the first time he flew on his broom. With Ginny he felt at home, and like everything in the world was perfect. Like there was no evil wizard out there who wanted to kill him, and that when it was time to face that certain Dark Wizard he would defeat him to protect her.

As he pulled away he smiled at Ginny and said, "I don't really know how things like this work, but I want to make sure everything is official, and I guess what I'm trying to say is. Will you be my girlfriend?"

She smiled and nodded her head taking his hand. As they walked back to the Burrow together Harry knew that the only time that he would ever have to read Sirius' book again was to read chapter three.

A/N2: Look! I did it! A full, finished two chapter story!  
I'm sorry that this second chapter is so short, I tried making it longer but it just didn't flow or sound right.  
I'm very, very proud that I've finished a whole story. And I should be writing and therefore posting much faster now that I've got a new laptop and finally wi-fi!  
I would really, really appreciate a review, letting me know what you think of the story!  
Thanks so much for reading.

Until next time,

Molly xx


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